Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year’s can bring some unwelcome guests: not just your grumpy old Uncle Ebenezer, but stress, anxiety, and depression may drop by this time of year. Oftentimes, our own expectations – buying or receiving the “perfect” gift, baking the yummiest desserts, hosting “over the top” parties, and enjoying family celebrations all together where everyone is happy – can increase our stress, worry, and even sadness.
Expect Stress and Plan Ahead
Nearly everyone suffers from holiday stress. In fact, a recent poll showed that over 80 percent of Americans actually expect to become stressed during the holidays. This is a holiday tradition we need to break!
The good news is that you can reduce the stress that comes with Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year’s celebrations. You might even learn to enjoy the holiday season with these recommendations.
When stress is at its high point, it is “normal” for the built-in, automatic safety systems in our brains to respond and cause us to either “fight or flee” the situation and those involved in the situation. When that “fight or flight” system kicks in, it is often too late to do anything about it: others’ feelings can be hurt and we can experience embarrassment, guilt, and shame. If the holidays have made you or your child “fight or flee” in the past, be diligent to take the steps outlined in this article to prevent stress before it happens.
Recognize the Causes of Your Stress
Identify the “triggers” for your stress – the things that happen right before you get really stressed. Is it fighting the holiday crowds? Is it traveling hours upon hours to be with your relatives? Whatever the triggers are, don’t beat yourself up about it; instead, make a plan for how you will deal with them. For example, if you hate fighting the holiday crowds, plan to take time off from work and go shopping during the weekdays after “Black Friday” instead of on the weekends between Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you can’t take time off, limit the amount of time you spend with the holiday crowds: take a timer with you and set it to a bearable amount of time: when the timer goes off, head for the nearest cash register.
Think about the Effects of Stress
It’s also helpful to think about effects: What happens when you get stressed? Do you become Grumpy (you fight), Bashful (you flee), Dopey (you lose your mind), or any of the other 7 dwarfs? Don’t dwell on the effect too much: instead, simply “flip” the effect and turn it into a benefit of implementing your plan of action. If you get grumpy when you are fighting the holiday crowds, the benefits of shopping during off-peak hours are less grumpiness, less stress, and more enjoyment.
Be Realistic: Drop Your Dreams of Perfection
Understand that the holidays won’t be perfect! Families, friends, and other holiday shoppers are human and we are all imperfect. Recognizing and even celebrating our human imperfections and differences is one way we can truly connect. Be understanding and give others and yourself a break.
As families grow and go through changes, understand that some Hanukkah and Christmas traditions will change as well. Ahead of time, choose just one family tradition you can take responsibility for holding on to. For example, if you love grandma’s pecan pie: get the recipe and volunteer to make it for your family. Then, be open to establishing new customs based on the needs of others in your ever-widening circle of family and friends.
Plan Ahead, Stick to a Budget and Manage Expectations
Plan specific days to shop for gifts, bake goodies, visit friends, and enjoy other Hanukkah or Christmas activities. Plan realistic menus and make reasonable shopping lists to prevent last-minute stressful trips to crowded stores. Try to make most of your purchases at the same store or mall. Recruit help from others if necessary.
Before you shop, settle on how much money you have to spend and stick to your budget like gift-wrapping tape. Don’t try to buy everyone’s happiness or approval with a ton of gifts you’ll have to pay off during the first few months of the New Year. If money is tight this year, try these options: give homemade gifts, hunt for bargains online, or initiate a family gift exchange (draw names and buy one gift each).
Talk to others about reasonable expectations for gifts and holiday activities. Be open and honest with children and teens if money is tight. Depending on how old they are, you can use this as a chance to talk about the consequences of spending more than you have just to buy momentary happiness.
On the other hand, if you’re not sure what to give your Uncle Ebenezer who has everything, donate in his name to a cause you believe in: even if he says “bah-humbug!” you and your favorite charity will be happy.
Learn to Say No
During the Hanukkah and Christmas season, there are often more activities than you can do. Saying yes to everything and everyone can leave you feeling overwhelmed and even resentful. True friends will understand that you can’t take part in every activity.
If you hate saying no, try “sandwiching” your no between two or more positives. For example, if you have no time left in your schedule, you might say, “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but unfortunately, I can’t make it to your celebration. I’d love to get together with you sometime after the New Year.” Make it a contest (with yourself) to see how many positives you can put around a no: just make sure that they know that the answer is no and you really do like them.
Start or Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle
Don’t let Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year’s holidays become a reason to be unhealthy. Excessive self-indulgence can cause guilt and shame adding to your stress, worry, and even sadness. If you tend to eat too many sweets or unhealthful foods at parties, eat a healthy meal or snack before going. Continue to get enough sleep and exercise during the holiday season to keep stress at bay and maintain your health.
Take a Break
Make some time for yourself. Even spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, can revive you so you can carry out everything you need to do. Take a walk, listen to relaxing music, slow your breathing, clear your mind, or find something else that reduces your stress and returns the inner peace you deserve to experience during this season.
If you or your child get stressed or “out of control” when you’re around others for long periods of time, plan a way to get away and spend some special time with just her from time-to-time. Take walks, drive around looking at Christmas lights, or take time out for a positive special dad (or mom) – daughter (or son) date doing something she/he enjoys.
Although you or your family may want to try to recreate the family “togetherness” you experienced as children, if your anxious, depressed, or ADHD child or teen needs a break from the excitement from time-to-time, it might be helpful to spend your nights in a hotel, motel, or bed and breakfast nearby to help her slow down, recharge, and get the rest she needs.
Find and Accept Alternatives to Traditional Celebrations
If relatives or friends can’t join your celebrations or you can’t join theirs, discover new ways to enjoy Christmas together: share pictures, emails, or videos by e-mail or through social media such as Facebook, You-Tube, or Skype. If you dread mailing cards, try sending e-cards or set up a creative website designed to wish friends a family an extremely happy Hanukkah, a very merry Christmas, and a happy New Year.
Seek out social, religious, or other community events that offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others is always a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships. If you don’t know how to connect with organizations in your area, contact local churches, shelters, or service organizations.
Accept Feelings: Yours and Others’
Understand that it’s normal to feel sadness and grief if expectations are not met or if you can’t be near your family or friends. It’s good to make time to express your feelings or cry. No one (not even the best mental health professionals) can force you to be jovial just because it’s the Hanukkah or Christmas season. Celebrate your human-ness by accepting your feelings.
Family members and friends are human too! Try to understand if others get upset: they are just as stressed by the holidays as you are. Even if they don’t live up to all of your expectations, don’t take it personally: either forgive them or set aside any grievances to discuss at another time after the stress of the holidays subsides.
Remember the Reason for the Season
Be mindful and keep things in perspective by focusing on the reason for the season: recognize Hanukkah and Christmas as a time to celebrate.
Expect the Best and Seek Help if Needed
Finally, don’t let the Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, or New Year’s holidays become a time you fear. Rather, learn to recognize what causes your stress, worry, and depression and take these steps now to fight them before they lead to a meltdown. With a little thinking and some planning, you can enjoy the peace and joy you deserve during this season.
If you need help controlling holiday stress, contact us to make an appointment. We are happy to help you identify and address your needs.
© 2014-2019, Monte W. Davenport, Ph.D.
originally posted 11/24/2014 @ 7 PM
