Teach Your Socially Challenged Child How to Make Friends

Children who are not socially challenged seem to intuitively know how to make friends.  They probably appeal to others because they are more self-confident, outgoing, and cooperative than less accepted youngsters.  They are also likely to be empathic, supportive, and generous with their friends.  Many children with social difficulties do not seem to have these qualities.  They may be too self-involved to help a friend, or they may lack the confidence or know how to reach out to others in appropriate ways.  They may not understand how to be empathetic and supportive.  Some boys and girls with poor social skills may try to be overly friendly with everyone and try to rush friendships.  They may not understand you cannot just meet someone and act the same way you would with someone you’ve known for years.

 Talk with your child about the steps in making friends.

1.  Help your child realize the positives of having a friend.
2.  Help your child think about who he might want as a friend. 
3.  Encourage your child to look around carefully and try not to judge others by their looks or their size or where they live.  Outside appearances won’t tell her what she wants to know.
4.  It’s important to help your child consider the qualities of a good friend: Can they have fun together? Can they trust each other? Help your child pay attention to others’ actions at school and in everyday situations to answer these questions.
5.  Help your child role-play introducing herself and speaking to others.
6.  If your child is rejected, help her find a new person and start again.  Encourage her to keep trying, and not give up. 

 Role-play an introduction where one person is slouching in his chair, doesn’t smile, avoids eye contact and doesn’t say much to add to the conversation can drive the point home that others expect us to be enthusiastic about meeting them.  Your child could be asked, “How would you feel if you met this person for the first time?”  “Would you want to be his friend?”  This activity can be followed by role-play to show the proper way of greeting others.

 Specific teaching in the art of meeting others is important. When meeting someone for the first time, remind your child to stand, move toward the person, lean forward if seated, uncross arms and legs, smile, look at the person, let responses show (nod, use facial language), and use the person’s name. Remind your child these actions tell others they are special to us.  Helping your child develop this skill may require practice and patience.

(c) 1995-2009, monte w. davenport, ph.d.