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As parents, we can easily get stuck in a cycle of paying negative attention toward our child or teen: often giving commands in rapid-fire succession before she even has time to respond, Research has shown that the attention we give our child is a powerful reward or consequence. Children crave attention: to a child or teen, any attention is better than none. In the absence of positive attention, your child or teen may seek negative attention in the form of reprimands or criticism. As a result, she can easily get stuck in a cycle of doing what we don’t want her to do in order to get our attention. To break out of this cycle, we parents must change our behavior before our child or teen can begin to change her behavior.
The first step is called “positive attending.”
The goals of positive attending include:
- Learn how to pay attention to your child’s desirable behavior during play time.
- Increase positive attention and positive behavior.
- Change your behavior toward your child in order to change your child’s behavior toward you.
Each parent should try to spend at least 10-15 minutes three or four times per week individually doing something with your child or teen who is struggling with behavior. Don’t try to have this special time together when you are upset, very busy, or getting ready to leave the house soon for an errand or trip.
Typically, your child or teen should pick the activity (within reason).
Alternatively, you may provide positive attention when your child or teen is doing some activity she enjoys (making a craft, making a model, playing with toys, or shooting hoops).
- Don’t take control of this time, and don’t direct it.
- Ask no questions as they can be distracting.
- Give no commands: instead, occasionally praise and/or give positive feedback, but avoid excessive flattering.
- Relax and enjoy this positive time with your child or teen.
- If your child or teen starts to misbehave, ignore it.
- If your child or teen continues to misbehave, becomes disrespectful, or breaks established rules, stop the “positive attending” activity for now.
When you are busy (talking on the phone, fixing dinner, etc.), and your teen or child is not interrupting you, stop what you are doing and tell her how much you appreciate her not interrupting you. Over time, this will increase her willingness to not disturb your work in the future.
When your child or teen volunteers to complete a task around the house without being told, be sure to praise his effort: make sure your praise is specific, accurate, and honest. Although it is likely your teen will not show any gratitude for this attention at first, know that he heard you and will remember your positive praises.
When you have asked your child or teen to complete a task, be sure to immediately praise her for beginning to start the task. Positive attention to immediate obedience will increase this behavior.
Spend at least one week practicing positive attending. If after one week, you still don’t feel comfortable acting this way with your child, continue practicing your positive attending skills for another week. You are ready to go to the next step when your behavior is changing, not when your child’s behavior is changing. After the first week, continue this process indefinitely two to three times per week.
(c) 2009-2011. monte w davenport, phd
